THE 9-9-9 CHALLENGE

Date: Saturday, October 11, 2008.
Time: 8:07 PM
Game: ALCS Game 2: Boston Red Sox @ Tampa Bay Rays; Tropicana Field, St. Petersburg, FL
Contestants: Kevin F., Cyrus, Kevin L., Danny, Derrick, Matt (Dewey), Raph, Zach, and your faithful leader (who will be referred to as Page for the duration of this entry).

Olfactory senses in Clarksburg, MD were tickled with the delightful scent of over a hundred grilled frankfurters on the evening of Saturday, October 11, 2008, as grillmaster Zach prepared to host the inaugural 9-9-9 challenge. All comers were welcomed into the beautiful new home of Zach and Crystal to compete. The rules were simple. Consume 9 hot dogs (with bun) and 9 beers over the span of a 9 inning baseball game. The date, chosen months in advance, featured game two of the 2008 American League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Rays. Contestants arrived with empty stomachs, but full aspirations.

As the dogs were distributed amongst the competitors, early discussion ensued. Who was the favorite? Who would even be able to complete the challenge? Should we have waited for a National League game, which are typically prone to more pitching changes, pinch hitters, and other stoppages in play which would extend the game, and the 9-9-9 challenge competitors chances at success? And, what would a competition be without a little action on the side? The 9-9-9 pool was initiated. Competitors and observers were invited to pitch in $5, and write down who they thought would successfully complete the challenge. One point was awarded for a successful completion, one point docked if you selected someone who was unable to finish. Tiebreaker was who would complete the challenge the fastest. People looked, discussed, and pondered. Among the things heard during the selection process were "The Kevin's are a lock, there's money involved", "Zach's got the home field advantage", "Cyrus? Really?", "Page? Didn't he just have food poisoning just yesterday? He's got no shot", and "Will Raph and Dewey kill each other before they have an opportunity to finish?". The chips were down, would the dogs and beers stay down with them?

The pitching matchup looked to be an unfavorable one for the teams on the field, and the men in Clarksburg. Josh Beckett vs. Scott Kazmir. Not only do neither tend to give up an abundance of hits or runs, but both also are not the type to spend a lot of time meandering around the mound between pitches. As first pitch drew near, our 9-9-9 contestants discussed strategy, technique, and expectations. Beers first or dogs first? Quick start or strong finish? Same beer throughout, or change it up at some point? Condiments…diversion from the taste of that 7th or 8th dog, or occupant of valuable stomach space? As Fox seamlessly transitioned from Jeanie Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy to Chip Carey, Ron Darling, and Buck Martinez, the Rays took the field and the 9-9-9 contestants took their seats. First pitch was minutes away. With it came a complete and utter disregard for the human body and digestive tract for the evening.

Timeline, 8:07 PM. The Rays Scott Kazmir delivers the first pitch to Red Sox Centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury, and the 9-9-9 challenge gets underway. As soon as the game began, we had a disqualification, as the shocking revelation was uncovered that Cyrus had concealed 9 cocktail weenies into 2 buns, and brought 7.5 oz. Budweiser ponies as his competition beverage. Being that this is a clear and concise violation of official 9-9-9 challenge rules, Cyrus was disqualified, and a collective groan was heard throughout the gambling community.

Subsequent to our first elimination, the rest of the 9-9-9 challengers went to work. Raph had the theory that he would drink good, heavy beer first, to increase the intoxication level early, which would then allow him to finish more dogs in the mid to late innings. Raph was heavily questioned when his first Boddington's was poured, to which he responded with a typical series of expletives that only Raph can so eloquently deliver. Most of the other challengers loaded 4 dogs on their plate, and cracked beers as needed. Zach had a different approach. He polished off 7 dogs in the early going, then switched to the brews. Would one strategy succeed over another?

On the field, the game got off to a fast start as well. The Bo Sox put up 2 runs in the first, both coming after 2 quick outs. With 2 outs, David Ortiz walked, Kevin Youkilis singled, and our old friend Jason Bay doubled to put the 2 Sox runs on the board. The challengers cheered the walks, hits, and runs, not because they had a particular rooting interest in the game (other than Dewey), but because each baserunner extended the inning, and the opportunity at completing the 9-9-9 challenge. The Rays answered with 2 of their own in the bottom half of the first, again, much to the delight of all involved. An excruciating total of 58 pitches were thrown in the first inning, and the number of hot dogs polished off by our 9-9-9ers may have closely rivaled that number. With an inning in the books, the opening jitters dissolved, and hopes were high for completion.

The hit parade on the field continued throughout the first 5 innings, as through 5, Tampa led 8-6, a total of 7 home runs had been hit by the two teams, including two by Dustin Pedroia, and both starters had been knocked out of the game. As play on the field settled down, so did our challengers. Raph could be seen doing stomach crunches throughout the early innings, no doubt an effort to crunch everything down and create maximum space. Derrick took his usual spot face down on the floor periodically, to ensure he had enough fuel to finish the race. Page endlessly paced the basement, knowing that sitting down for an extended period of time would assuredly spell doom. Danny opted to walk outside, feeling as though the fresh air would be cleansing and nullify the negative effects that the gluttonous consumption of hot dogs and beers was bringing forth. The Kevins and Dewey took the leisurely approach, camping out on the sofas and recliners, watching the game while attempting to keep pace. Significant others and friends who were in attendance as bystanders slowly became more and more concerned and/or appalled with the challengers status with each bite or sip.

Our first voluntary white flag of the evening was waived by Kevin F. However, in waving the flag, he neglected to notice that it was only the 5th inning at the time, and there was still plenty of time to finish. When asked about his decision, Kevin responded "Yeah, I know there's time, I'm just not gonna do this to my body anymore." Eventually, Kevin's pride took over and he jumped back into the challenge. Was this a ploy to throw other challengers off? Would the break in the action disrupt his momentum? Whatever the motivation, Kevin was back, and was determined to make his presence felt. It was right around this point that Kevin L. had opted for the Kobayashi method, removing the hot dog from the bun, smashing the bun up, dunking it, and eating it. Only difference being that Kobayashi dunks his bun in water. Kevin decided that it would be wise to dunk his in his beer. Negative results ensued.

Into the 7th inning we travel, where Boston had pulled to within 8-7, but the 9th inning was slowly creeping up on the 9-9-9 participants. The field had benefitted from the fact that the game was about at the 3 hour point, with 3 full innings yet to play. Things were looking good for most, questionable for some, but not out of reach for any. At 11:12 PM, 3 hours and 5 minutes after first pitch, our winner was crowned. Not necessarily an underdog, but by no means a favorite, the house cheered the efforts of Raph, who takes home the crown for the first 9-9-9 challenge. Had the game gone at a normal pace, he may have been the only finisher in the group. Luckily for the rest of us, there was still plenty of time. Slowly but surely, our challengers goals were met. Danny followed Raph's finish, then Kevin F., even with his temporary withdrawal. Page had joined Derrick on the floor, but were they out of commission, or merely resting for a big finish? By this time, most of the bystanders had vacated the basement, as they could no longer bear witness to the excessive consumption of the 9-9-9 challengers.

Those remaining cheered a wild pitch by Dan Wheeler, allowing Dustin Pedroia to score the tying run in the top of the 8th, and again when the Rays were held scoreless in the bottom half. If nothing else, it bought the contenders precious minutes to finish, seeing as the tie score guaranteed that a bottom of the 9th would be played. Eventually, Zach, Dewey, and Kevin L. finished, and the Red Sox went quietly in the top of the 9th. As the Rays came to bat, Page and Derrick feverishly tried to finish what they needed to become 9-9-9 all stars. Page was down to 3/4 of a hot dog, and Derrick had about 1/2 a dog and 1/2 a beer. It wasn't until a slightly intoxicated Page was reminded that a walk off could end the game at any time, that the dog disappeared, and his challenge was successful. Meaning that all that was standing between a 100% success rate (sans Cyrus) was another bite of hot dog and sip of Coors Light belonging to Derrick. Derrick completed this with a batter remaining, meaning that all eligible contestants had successfully completed the 9-9-9 challenge. The question now was….at what cost?

Raph and Danny could be found on the floors of various rooms around the house following their completion. The Kevins departed not long after the 9th inning was completed, not sticking around for the completion of the game. As Erin collected the pool money for correctly choosing the most challengers to finish, a makeshift tent was built around Derrick, who hadn't moved from his comfortable spot on the basement floor since finishing the challenge. This tent, comprised of folding chairs and blankets, served its purpose, as it kept Derrick safe from hungry canines or other intruders, including yours truly.

The 9th inning had ended, but the game continued on. The race was on for the 9-9-9 challengers to keep everything down, as rules specify that no vomiting can occur until at least an hour after completion of the challenge. To this reporters knowledge, all challengers met this requirement as well, although Kevin L. didn't last much longer after that initial hour (Photo not for the squeamish). It's my understanding that he was the only one to rid himself of 9 beers and 9 dogs that night.

For me personally, Sunday was a long day. Though it could have been worse had the hangover been. After finishing the 9 beers, I switched straight to water, trying to fight off any potential lingering morning effects. For the most part it worked. The worst thing about Sunday morning was the taste in my mouth. You know how when you have a cigar, then next day your mouth tastes like shit? Well, it was essentially the same as that, only it tasted like day old hot dogs….repeatedly….for hours. 100 times worst than the morning after cigar taste. I guess it could have been worse, I could have been a Redskins fan and had to watch them lose to the Rams. It being the Steelers bye week was probably the best possible scenario for me, as I didn’t need to have an overly vested interest in what was going on.

Anyway, I'd like to offer a heartfelt congratulations to all the gentlemen who successfully became 9-9-9 All Stars this past Saturday. Additionally, our appreciation to Zach and Crystal for hosting and providing the dogs, despite the likelihood of potentially bad things happening to their new house. Luckily no damage was rendered. And finally, our appreciation and condolences to friends, wives, and girlfriends who undoubtedly lost a ton of respect for all of us over the course of the night. Thanks for driving our disgusting asses home afterwards.

Now that we've become all stars, I'm not sure that the 9-9-9 challenge is on any of our short lists of things we ever want to do again in our lives.

Oh, by the way, the Rays won 9-8 on a B.J. Upton sac fly in the bottom of the 11th to tie the series at 1. As we stand today, the Rays are now up 3-1 with game 5 in progress tonight in Boston.