However, instead of totally deferring to the Virus this week, I will make my own picks as well. Let's see who will bring home the bragging rights for week 7. Now, lets bring in the Virus:
Greetings folks,
Some random notes before I get to my picks this week:
-I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that Troy "Mmmmm Jerry Jones, it tastes so good" Aikman said the words "Antrel Rolle continuously continues to miss tackles" last sunday.
-Everyone thought that the whole "The 4th place team in the NFC South always wins the division the next year" thing was over before this year except me. I put up the link last week...but Atlanta has more karma built up than the Dalai Lama after saving a crashing airplane full of blind orphans, simply because of this.
-I never played a sport in high school. But I'd imagine that...maybe not on the FIRST day...but at least during the first WEEK of JV football practice before your 9th grade starts, you learn that if you're an offensive lineman and a pass is tipped, heading in your direction, you BAT THE FUCKING BALL DOWN! And THEN he said "I was afraid if I did that, they'd call it a fumble." Wow...
-The Cowboys wasted a golden opportunity to gain some points with me and do something creative with their Roy Williamses. For shame, pussies. For shame.
-I traded Tony Romo, Miles Austin, and Thomas Jones for Plaxico Burress and Larry Johnson. The day the trade went through, Romo was ruled out for a month. I was ecstatic. Then Larry Johnson has to go and "hit" some woman in the face. And now Romo might actually play. Good one, God. Good one...
Ok, so onto the picks:
San Diego (PK) over Buffalo:
The Chargers are looking good. That was an utter beat down on Sunday night and I couldn't've been happier. The Bills are 2-0 at home but I like the Chargers to get on kind of a roll here. The Broncos are a house of cards with that defense, and the Chargers have an MVP candidate lining up under center. Granted, he's a raging dickhead frat boy whose two favorite artists are probably OAR and Kanye West, who never beat Maryland in college (come on...how sad is that), and they're coach by Norv "I guess I just never thought to tell Gus NOT to do that" Turner, but I just trust a 3-3 Chargers team more than a 4-1 Toronto team. That's just me though.
The Jon says: Chargers. I think Arizona may have exposed the Bills a bit.
The Jon says: Chargers. I think Arizona may have exposed the Bills a bit.
Chicago (-1.5) over Minnesota:
Minnesota barely beat a team whose Quarterback ran out of the endzone and thought the play was still going on. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.
The Jon says: Bears. Kyle Orton may actually be the lesser of two evils this week.
The Jon says: Bears. Kyle Orton may actually be the lesser of two evils this week.
Pittsburgh (-8) over Cincinnati
Sorry, dad. If this was one week ago and the Steelers didn't just have a bye after gaining a huge win, I'd say this game could be Week 7's edition of the letdown game. BUT, Pittsburgh just had an extra week of planning and the Bengals are STILL in the running for winning the title of "Worst Bengals Team of the Last 15 Years."
The Jon says: Steelers. Liks I said in the power rankings, you dont let you guard down on the road within the division.
The Jon says: Steelers. Liks I said in the power rankings, you dont let you guard down on the road within the division.
Kansas City (+8) over Tennessee:
Tennessee is looking nice. And generally speaking, I'll throw my support behind a drunken alcoholic for a Quarterback. But I'm just not sure the Titans can score 8 points. Gunther Cunningham is still KC's defensive coordinator, right?
The Jon says: Titans. Arrowhead is tough, as the Chiefs proved when Denver waltzed in, but the Chiefs have trouble scoring against weak defenses, what can they do against Tennessee? The Titans D may cover 8 on their own
The Jon says: Titans. Arrowhead is tough, as the Chiefs proved when Denver waltzed in, but the Chiefs have trouble scoring against weak defenses, what can they do against Tennessee? The Titans D may cover 8 on their own
Dallas (-6.5) over St. Louis
Lightning isn't gonna strike twice for either me or St. Louis. Plus, the Cowboys have a great (read: horrendously overrated/"Wow. Really? 3 draft picks???") two-way player in Roy Williams. They're hurting, but there's no way St. Louis can put up only 4 FGs on offense and win again, or even come close. Sadly, I gotta go with the Cowboys on this one. Unless the Rams sign 4 WRs named Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde who can now run freely around the entire playing area.
The Jon says: Dallas. No need to elaborate.
The Jon says: Dallas. No need to elaborate.
Miami (-2.5) over Baltimore:
New coach, same patheticism for Baltimore. Joey "Unibrow" Flacco isn't looking too good anymore, and unfortunately, Ray Lewis won't be able to touch the ball carrier 3 seconds after the play has been blown dead in order to be granted a "tackle" after Ronnie Brown is dancing in the endzone right in his face. Danny Kleinman brought up this point a few years ago, and Bill Simmons addressed it last week:
Q: Doesn't Ray Lewis have to lead the league in my new stat: "Last Man to Dive in on an Already Made Tackle?" As the play is dying, he comes flying in, diving, rolling, jumping up, slapping the helmet, shouting, doing that crazy electric-boogaloo dance that makes my eyes bleed out before my head explodes. Having added nothing to the play other than his half-seizure, he's all of a sudden the center of attention for these nitwit announcers. -- Robert, Fort Worth, Texas
SG: I demand that "Last Man to Dive in on an Already Made Tackle" become an official Football Outsiders stat starting this week. The real shame is we'll never know who had more career LMDAMTs -- Lewis or Junior Seau, who had 650 of them last season alone. It's kind of like how we'll never know who has the sack record. We just have to wonder.
One of these days, Ray Lewis will be doing his stupid Fred Sanford dance (right up Charlie Murphy's alley, if you get my drift), and it really will be the big one, Elizabeth.
The Jon says: Ravens. I don't know what it is, but I'm thinking a little bounce back is in order. They'll be motivated by their old friend Joey Porter to put up a good fight.
The Jon says: Ravens. I don't know what it is, but I'm thinking a little bounce back is in order. They'll be motivated by their old friend Joey Porter to put up a good fight.
New York Giants (-6) over San Francisco:
Definitely see no reason why the Giants won't rebound at home over a Mike Nolan-coached team. I'm still bitter because the last time the Redskins won the division (1999), we had one of the top offenses in the league, and something like the 30th ranked defense, "coordinated" by Nolan. But, to quote Hannibal Lecter..."Love the suit."
The Jon says: Giants. I wish I knew where our buddy gets his spreads, but I picked the Giants even when they were laying 10.5, so this is a slam dunk.
The Jon says: Giants. I wish I knew where our buddy gets his spreads, but I picked the Giants even when they were laying 10.5, so this is a slam dunk.
Carolina (PK) over New Orleans:
Carolina is playing at home, where they're 3-0. New Orleans is playing on the road, where they're 0-2. Carolina has a better record than New Orleans. As Homer Simpson said, "That's a pretty big lock."
The Jon says: Saints. Carolina's D, while still good, aint great. Brees is on a record pace, and gets his top WR and TE back. Good enough for me.
The Jon says: Saints. Carolina's D, while still good, aint great. Brees is on a record pace, and gets his top WR and TE back. Good enough for me.
Houston (-5) over Detroit:
Again. Detroit's QB ran out of bounds and didn't even realize it. Remember a couple years ago when Ethan Albright's awareness rating in Madden was a 59?
If I download my Madden roster update and Dan "The Nincompoopic Norseman" Orlovsky and he isn't a 58 at best, I wouldn't wanna be in EA's shoes because man...they will be receiving one HARSHLY-WORDED e-mail.
(Side Note: I spent quite some time trying to come up with a nickname for Orlovsky. Other contendors:
Dan "My ancestors pounded their fist on a keyboard once to come up with my last name" Orlovsky.
Dan "In soccer, if the balls is on the out-of-bounds line, it's still in play" Orlovsky.
and Dan "Man...fuck..." Orlovsky)
I think the Texans are a better team than what their record shows. So bet on them.
The Jon says: Again, a discrepancy in spread. I have the Lions getting 9.5, which I took. If it is indeed 9.5, I like Detroit to cover. If not, then....aw hell, lets still go with the Lions. Whatever. P.S. - If you're a fantasy player in need of a Wide Receiver moving forward, it may behoove you to look into Shaun McDonald, who should slide into the spot vacated by Roy Williams.
The Jon says: Again, a discrepancy in spread. I have the Lions getting 9.5, which I took. If it is indeed 9.5, I like Detroit to cover. If not, then....aw hell, lets still go with the Lions. Whatever. P.S. - If you're a fantasy player in need of a Wide Receiver moving forward, it may behoove you to look into Shaun McDonald, who should slide into the spot vacated by Roy Williams.
New York Jets (-4.5) over Oakland
If the Jets are wearing those blue uniforms again, then this is a done deal. If they're wearing their regular uniforms and they happen to be playing any of the following teams:
St. Louis
Houston
Cincinnati
Detroit
Oakland
then it's a done deal. They're playing Oakland. Therefore, it's a done deal.
The Jon says: Jets. Although, I hear Darren McFadden is watching Dolphins games and urging to implement some wildcat stuff into the Raiders O. Seriously. Still, I prefer to spend as little time as possible talking about the horrendous Raiders...
The Jon says: Jets. Although, I hear Darren McFadden is watching Dolphins games and urging to implement some wildcat stuff into the Raiders O. Seriously. Still, I prefer to spend as little time as possible talking about the horrendous Raiders...
Indianapolis (-2) over Green Bay
I think the Colts are back to normal, while the Packers are fading fast. I also heard Marvin Harrison opened up a night club in Green Bay. What else do you need to hear? Oh...and whatever the Over is, for the love of God, take it.
The Jon says: Colts. I think my new favorite non Steeler is Melvin Bullitt.
The Jon says: Colts. I think my new favorite non Steeler is Melvin Bullitt.
Washington (-2.5) over Cleveland
The Redskins have outscored their opponents by a total of 9 points this season. This spread is a LOT more acceptable than the one last week. While the Redskins have a depleted secondary, I'm pretty confident that they're gonna come back with a vengeance this week. They made the mistake of thinking that 4-1 is the same as 7-1. They won't make that mistake twice.
The Jon says: This is getting ridicurous...I have 7.5 as the spread. For the future we'll get our sources straight. This time, if it's 7.5, give me Brownies. If it's 2.5, I'm taking the Skins.
The Jon says: This is getting ridicurous...I have 7.5 as the spread. For the future we'll get our sources straight. This time, if it's 7.5, give me Brownies. If it's 2.5, I'm taking the Skins.
Tampa Bay (-8.5) over Seattle:
The NFC West is a joke, the NFC South is looking nice. Even though it's a night game, Seattle isn't flying across the country and beating Tampa Bay in Tampa. Oh and just to satisfy my obligatory Mike Holmgren joke: "You like the mail, Mr. Kramer?"
The Jon says: Seahawks. Don't ask. Even I have no clue why...
The Jon says: Seahawks. Don't ask. Even I have no clue why...
New England (+2.5) over Denver:
Breaking News: Denver has no defense. Belichick will be angry, he'll whip out the tapes, and he'll find a way to stop Cutlter and Terrell Davis version 11.0 or whatever this year's Denver Running Back is named. Hopefully the Devil Rays will have taken the wind out of the Patriots fans' sails though.
The Jon says: I'm taking the Broncos, despite my stance that they are highly overrated. My only hope for this game is that Matt Cassel doesn't shit himself the way he did last week. Some TD's to Welker would be a bonus as well.
The Jon says: I'm taking the Broncos, despite my stance that they are highly overrated. My only hope for this game is that Matt Cassel doesn't shit himself the way he did last week. Some TD's to Welker would be a bonus as well.
The Virus: Last week (10-4).
"Join Me or Die. Could you do any less?"
-M. SparkleThe Jon: Last week: (N/A)
"What a brave corporate logo, I accept the challenge of Mr. Sparkle" (too easy)
- Lucy Liu's girls.
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